This article was published on January 15th, 2015

BDSM: B&D (Bondage and Discipline), D&S (Dominance and Submission), and S&M (Sadomasochism)—not the song by Rihanna, although closely related.

BDSM doesn’t always involve actual sex. The main thrills are the psychological elements and the building of sexual tension through teasing, and the use of bondage and play gear. There are many options to choose from when you decide to explore BDSM.

BDSM play can vary greatly depending on the tastes of you and your partner. Handcuffs are usually one of the first that come to mind when people think of bondage. The fluffy varieties are the most common, but it really doesn’t matter what kind of handcuffs you use. If you are wanting to restrain your partner and want a more sensual bondage experience, you can improvise with a silk tie. For those who like a bit more course action, ropes are also a popular choice. The more experienced and serious bondage players invest in leather wrist and ankle restraints, which are softer, more comfortable, and will last for years.

Staying on the topic of soft fabric, another fun option is blindfolding your partner so they don’t know what’s going on, which forces the person to use their other, more heightened senses of sound, smell and touch.

Bondage requires a great deal of trust as the submissive person relinquishes control. If you are using restraints and a blindfold, they are at your mercy. But what happens when you find that as your tease and torture them, they are making too much noise? You will need a gag. Gags can be either store bought or fashioned from something you already own, like a sock or pair of underwear. The best option is a ball-gag; a ball attached to a strap that fits around the wearer’s head. There are all types of gags, from gags made from candy that give the wearer a sweet reward during play, to gags with holes where you can force-feed your sub everything from cum to piss.

Now that you have the basics, what about the stuff you see in porn? For example: harnesses, masks, whips, riding crops, paddles, and candles. All of these things are fair game if you and your partner are feeling adventurous. Some of them are more theatrical and help you slip into the mood with greater ease—while the others are functional additions. Dripping candle wax onto your partner’s body can be extremely titillating, and it doesn’t hurt like most think it would. The pain is minor as the wax cools almost instantly. However, you want to avoid pouring large amounts at once, as this can be painful and could lead to serious burns. Small drips work better.

If you really want to tease your partner and inspire the ultimate cum-shot, try CBT (Cock and Ball Torture). Now this doesn’t mean start whaling on his junk like it owes you money (although some guys do get into that). Instead he can wear a cock ring. The best cock rings are the ones that separate the cock from the balls, and stretch the latter. You can then stroke as much, or as little, as you want, edge and then back off; or you can use a leather riding crop to slap his balls. The possibilities are endless, but they all require you to trust your partner.

The most important element of BDSM play is the safe word. It doesn’t matter what the word is, but both parties need to know, and respect, to stop when they hear it. A common safe word is banana (reason unknown). Pick whatever you want, just be sure to use it if things are starting to travel too far outside of your comfort zone. This is something to be decided once you determine who will be the dominant partner, and who will be submissive; or to put it simply, who will be calling the shots, and who will be obeying without question. This might be a natural choice based on your relationship, or you might enjoy switching things up.

Shaking things up is a great way to bring the heat back into a boring sex life.