Heteronormativity; screw(ing) the traditional relationship

Gay men have been pioneers in creating relationships that suit the needs of the individuals involved rather than the needs of society. Without society regulating our relationships, we were like cowboys under no authority. The most common gay relationship is an open relationship. While straight couples may have an open relationship, it’s rare. However, amongst […]

Love + Sex Relationship Advice Kevin Moroso

This article was published on March 14th, 2015

Heteronormativity; how to keep an open mind when it comes to alternative relationships

Gay men have been pioneers in creating relationships that suit the needs of the individuals involved rather than the needs of society. Without society regulating our relationships, we were like cowboys under no authority.

The most common gay relationship is an open relationship. While straight couples may have an open relationship, it’s rare. However, amongst same-sex relationships, one study found close to 50% of relationships were not monogamous. This ability to tailor our relationships is under threat by…. GAYS.

Gay men have subsumed the values of those who have oppressed us for centuries – taking on a heteronormative mindset. This isn’t surprising when you’re part of a marginalized group; you strive to prove you’re not one of the bad ones. Gay men have been painted as sexually promiscuous animals (so what?) and the judgmental gays are out to prove they’re not like the sluts. The irony being that as straight couples become more open to exploring alternative relationships, gays are trying to shut them down through shaming – whether in person or online.

Now this wouldn’t be a problem if this were just a choice for them. But now, these brainwashed gays have taken to shaming our brothers in open relationships. Here is an example of a single guy’s profile on Scruff:

“What’s with all the partnered guys on here? Get off this app and spend more time with your boyfriend.”

Anyone can see the irony in someone who is not in a relationship stating this. Does he think partners spend 24/7 together? That is a recipe for divorce!

Open relationships help ensure each partner’s needs are met. One partner may like a certain fetish his partner isn’t willing to engage in. One partner may have a higher sex drive than the other. Both partners may prefer topping or both bottoming yet have a strong sexual and emotional connection. Tag team anyone? And let’s just face it, we’re men, and many of us like to sow our oats in many places, or have ourselves sown with oats.

This shaming could be ignored if it wasn’t so dangerous. It makes gays feel there’s only one proper type of relationship. When they struggle to live up to it, they internalize that shame and guilt. Gay men suffer enough mental health issues without our own brothers adding to it.

Don’t be an #apphole. The next time you’re writing your dating profile, just stick to what you’re looking for instead of denigrating others. Also, be willing to explore – your heteronormative mindset may be causing yourself harm. You’d be amazed how exhilarating it is to watch your husband get fucked by another guy.

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