This article was published on May 13th, 2015
From an early age, people in our culture are instilled with shame and guilt around sex, none more so than gay men. Unfortunately, many gay men are reluctant to actually let go and admit that they just want to fuck around once in a while. They are so reluctant to admit this that, instead of just meeting a guy they’re attracted to and having a healthy sexual experience, they do it while blind drunk on a Friday night so that they can excuse their behaviour, while still feeling all the guilt and shame around it. Rather than enjoy the natural fun of sex while they’re sober, they have horrible drunken sex.
Hooking up is not a tawdry, dirty act. That is merely what we’ve been taught – that sex outside of a committed relationship is inherently wrong and should make us feel dirty. This is why many feel unfulfilled from hookups. We expect hooking up to be devoid of emotion and intimacy, so it ends up devoid of those two wonderful things. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it doesn’t need to be that way. There are a few things that will help make hooking up a more fulfilling experience – both for you and your lovers.
1. The most important thing is attitude. If you go into a hookup with the attitude that the point of the hookup is to cum, it will leave you feeling empty afterwards. Go to your hookup with the intention of meeting a lovely, probably flawed, person. Look at this as an experience to get to know someone in an intimate way. No matter what kind of sex you’re both into, it is about connecting with someone physically and emotionally. It’s important that you have respect for the person you’re hooking up with – if you don’t, he’ll see straight through you and it will probably impact the quality of sex.
2. Communication is incredibly important. Before and during sex. First, be clear beforehand about what you’re looking for – a quick fuck, a nice long session, or lots of cuddling and kissing. Also be clear before you meet about longer term expectations – do you just want a one-time thing or are you hoping to find an ongoing fuck buddy (and don’t be hurt if he doesn’t want to see you again – there are so many reasons why that may be and it’s probably not about you). And communicate about sex before and during it. Explain what you like and dislike beforehand and ask the same. If something is not going well during sex, don’t be afraid to speak up – if you’re not getting pleasure from the experience it really is pointless. The underlying foundation of communication is to not make assumptions about anything.
3. Be sober, unless it’s a kink. Some people find sexual fulfillment when they combine sex with drugs – no judgement there. But if you’re only hooking up when you’re high because it’s the only way you can be intimate with someone, then maybe you need to see a shrink. Drunken sex sucks and you probably need to get drunk because you lack confidence and are scared. Deal with that or sex is never going to be the great experience it should be.
4. Don’t be afraid to add a little romance! Maybe you chatted online and he’s a Star Wars fan so you bring him a figurine. Or maybe you sense he’s a very cuddly and emotional guy so you bring him flowers. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to bring him a small inexpensive gift that matches who he is so that the present is meaningful. This is still a date – a sex date – and that means you should still be a gentleman, albeit a slutty gentleman.
5. Take your time. Unless you’ve both expressed a time constraint beforehand, don’t rush the experience. Just because you’ve both shot your loads does not mean sex is over. Just as you need to build up to fucking, you need to come down from it. Cuddle, kiss, caress. Don’t run out the door like you’re grossed out by the guy. This is a great opportunity to get to know the guy (avoid discussing heated topics though).
Bonus: don’t take yourself or the experience too seriously. This is fun. It feels good. Your body was designed to do this. So relax, be confident, and take care of your needs in a responsible, thoughtful manner.