This article was published on May 31st, 2015
Summer travel season is kicking into high-gear. We’ve got places, pride events, and circuit parties to get to. The last thing we anyone needs is some asshole on their flight that pisses everyone off. If you can’t get your shit together when flying off to your next destination, stay home, bitch.
1. Be ready for security. Before you even leave the house, you know well-off that you need to go through security. Make sure you pre-pack your carry-on items and dress so you can make security a breeze. When you get to security at the airport, have your photo ID and boarding pass out and ready. While waiting in line, get your shoes, belt, jacket and other items ready to whip off and thrown into the bin. When it’s your turn, dump your shit in the bin, including all those liquids, creams and gels that you every so carefully pre-packed at home in a ziplock bag, and push your crap down the conveyor belt. You’re not a little old lady, so quit acting like one. Get in. Get out. Get it done!
2. First-Class Queen! Yes, we all know, gays love their first-class seats. When gays travel we like to be pampered and taken care of. We are VIP, bitch! But c’mon, give the gate agents a break. They have a lot to do. If you’re not travelling first class, heaven for bid, and you’re in economy in seat 26D, maybe you should pay for the upgrade, instead of risking being stuck between some snotty-nosed kid and the over-weight guy with bad gas. Yes, the gate agent knows you’re first class and want to get on board quickly so you can get settled in and have your first of what will be many vodka-cran’s, but just be patient. They are going as fast as they can. Patience gurl.
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3. You don’t need the kitchen sink. You don’t need separate carry-on bags for your underwear, tanktops, and moisturizer. Yes princess, we know you don’t want to pay that baggage fee, but you also have to stick to the rules of carry-on allowance. When there is an entire jet of people waiting to board, do you really want to be the one that is holding everyone up because you can’t fit your bag into the overhead compartment? Again, pack smart. Get on the plane, throw your rollerbag into the overhead, wheels first / handle out, and put your purse under the seat ahead of you, then sit down, and shut up.
4. The FA isn’t your personal bitch. (ding)(ding)(ding)(ding)(ding)(ding)(ding) For real? Don’t do that shit. Event if you’re in first-class, the flight attendant isn’t there for your ever beck-and-call. Yes, we know you’re desperate for that third vodka-cran, but c’mon honey, it’s a five hour flight, pace yourself! A good piece of advice is to flirt a little bit, be extra friendly, and always smile. Who knows, you might get a free drink out of the deal! Being bitchy is just going to get your bad service, or worse, ignored.
5. Lingering in the lavatory. There’s nothing more frustrating than waiting on someone who is taking forever in the washroom. Especially when you really, really have to go to the washroom because you had one too many vodka-cran’s. But we completely understand that while you’re in the washroom you’re trying to take that perfect naked selfie to send to your entire social network as soon as you land, plus you have a sudden urge to jerk-off. We get it. Go ahead and do it, but please, make it quick! You’re not the only person on the damn plane!
The takeaway from all of this is that you really need to get your shit together and know what you’re doing. By now you know the phrase, “Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hold on.” Well, it doesn’t quite have to be like that, but the easier you make it for everyone else, the less of a pain in the ass you’ll be to your fellow passengers.