How to be an ethical gay slut

Gay men have suffered centuries of abuse from our religious authorities, those who claim to be the arbiters of what is good and what is bad. In modern times, gay men have fought back and created safe spaces while societal attitudes are changing towards gay love no longer being sinful and wrong. But gay men, […]

Love + Sex Great Sex Kevin Moroso

This article was published on December 16th, 2015

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Gay men have suffered centuries of abuse from our religious authorities, those who claim to be the arbiters of what is good and what is bad. In modern times, gay men have fought back and created safe spaces while societal attitudes are changing towards gay love no longer being sinful and wrong. But gay men, and arguably straight people too, are still made to feel that their full sexuality, beyond just the gender of those you have sex with, is something shameful and sinful. It can be a struggle for gay men to fully accept their sexuality, their desires to have multiple partners and to embrace their individual fetishes.

So can you be a slut and also ethical? Can one be a good Christian or a member of another religion and still accept and act upon all the facets of your sexuality? Of course you can, though it may seem counterintuitive. The core of religions and humanist philosophy is to treat people with love, dignity, and respect. So long as you incorporate those values into how you approach sex, you can ensure you uphold those beliefs while also freely engaging in the sex you desire. Here are some useful tips on how to be an ethical gay slut.

Honesty. There’s nothing more damaging to someone than unrealized expectations. It’s very important that you’re honest about your intentions with someone. That begins with being honest to yourself. If it’s just about sex, make sure that’s clear from the beginning. If it will likely be a one off, make sure that is known too. It’s always better to exceed expectations than to have to lower them later so make sure you know what you’re feeling before you start to increase the level of emotions and romance with a person.

Empathy. So you’ve both agreed to a no strings attached hookup. Great. Hopefully you’ll both have some great sex and come away from it satisfied. However, sometimes things don’t go as planned. Or maybe your sex partner for the night is struggling. Just because we’re horny men with high libidos does not mean you stop being a decent human being. If the other guy is having problems, please be there emotionally for him as well. Often gay men are lonely and hookups are the only way they connect with other guys – this may be that guy’s only chance to talk with someone. So don’t treat him as a piece of meat – treat him as a friend, even if only for the night.

Commit to dates. Respecting people’s time is another way we show respect for others. We often lead busy lives and try to squeeze in sex when we can. Nothing can be worse for a busy person than having the two hours you planned on hooking up with some, your only two hours available for fun, wasted by last minute cancellations. If you make a solid plan to meet up with someone, commit to it. Being cancelled on by guys is not an excuse to then do that to others.

Pleasure. Sex is between two or more people and all of you should get something out of it. Make sure you pay attention to the sexual needs of the other guy as much as you do to your own needs. Don’t be a greedy guy in bed.

Consent. Consent is not just a legal requirement, it is important from a moral point of view. Gay men fought long and hard to have laws removed that prohibited consensual sex between adults. They didn’t fight to have those laws removed so that we would violate each other’s bodies. And consent isn’t just important in terms of actually having sex, but also how we have sex. For example, if a guy wants you to use condoms, stealthing (e.g. slipping it off during sex or poking holes in it) is a big no no.

Limits. BDSM and other fetishes are perfectly okay. These desires are often hard wired in us as a result of life experiences, particularly pre-adult experiences. Trying to change or suppress these desires can often be as damaging psychologically as suppressing your desire for the same sex. In fact, psychologists don’t recognize these as disorders unless they result in real harm to yourself or to others. However, it’s rarely possible to find someone with the exact same desires as you. That’s why discussion around each other’s limits are essential – you must discuss these before you play and, once you’re playing, make sure you respect the limits of the other person. As well, do no permanent harm to your partner, even if you both desire it. If that’s a problem, you should certainly seek the help of a psychologist.

STIs. If you’ve got an STI with a significant chance of transmitting it, inform your partners or abstain from sex until the chance of transmission is low. If you inform them, it’s their choice whether they want to take the risk or not. Some of the pre-AIDS sexual health literature suggested guys wear condoms if they have an STI like gonorrhea and can’t abstain from sex. More importantly, if you do get an STI, do your best to notify any sexual partners you may have passed it along to or who may have passed it along to you. It can be damaging to go along with an untreated STI for too long and you need to help them protect their health. Plus, if you don’t notify them, it may continue to get passed around and that’s not a good thing for the wider gay community.

Racism and pozphobia. Don’t be a racist or be ignorant in the sack. Sexual racism is usually a result of ingrained attitudes towards a race and can be unlearned. It damages the mental health of men over time if they are constantly subject to sexual racism. And not sleeping with guys who have HIV is built on ignorance around transmission and irrational, exaggerated fears. Being ignorant harms others and you have a duty to both educate yourself and deal with your fears if you’re going to be an ethical slut.

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