10 ways to not get blocked on twitter

Opinions are like assholes. It’s 2016, which means that either you’re slut shaming as you speak or you’ve mispronounced a pronoun and someone’s going to have to have hell to pay. People are so PC today, which even if you were telling the truth on social media the Word Police would hand you a misogyny […]

Life + Leisure Tech Talks Lil' Poundcake

This article was published on September 8th, 2016

  1. Opinions are like assholes. It’s 2016, which means that either you’re slut shaming as you speak or you’ve mispronounced a pronoun and someone’s going to have to have hell to pay. People are so PC today, which even if you were telling the truth on social media the Word Police would hand you a misogyny or micro-aggression ticket. However, on the flip side, these people feel really passionate about making sure dogs aren’t being feasted upon in China; so appreciate and understand boundaries. Not everyone wants to hear your opinion on every subject imaginable; especially when only 232 people follow you and most of them are purple eggs.
  1. Celebrities only want to hear good things. Please say something positive about Ariana Grande’s overbite or about Nene’s wig, or you will get blocked. Every week, when a show comes on, most television celebrities, and even celebutantes, flock to Twitter to comment on the episode and interact with fans. They do not want to see a troll. “Trolling” is when you’re saying anything negative about someone, especially a celebrity. Some may chew you out and reprimand you for examining pop culture, or they can quietly block you without you ever finding out. Some of us find out the hard way on “Watch What Happens Live!”
  1. Live-Tweeting the shit out of something. Live-Tweeting is the new binge watching. A show comes on, you live-tweet the shit out of it and you hope no one reads anything you said because it could be used against you. Remember, no one cares if you praise him or her. It’s the hardcore “What a boring episode” that gets you blocked.
  1. People that don’t matter. People that don’t matter but are given a platform on social media are usually the ones who really run Twitter. They can say things like “Coke is so cheap these days” and get 507 Likes and 1k RT’s. That’s not the gift of popularity my friends; that’s thousands of dollars worth of paid marketing. It’s not a coincidence that someone’s album keeps popping up on your feed. So buy the album and don’t get blocked. These are baby moguls. Respect the baby moguls.
  1. Politics 101: don’t talk about politics: Be careful what you say on Twitter, especially if the person has an American flag as their avatar and their profile says “Mother of 3. Proud American. Gun Owner. Ohioan.” These are MegaTrolls. Megatrolls are usually one person with multiple Twitter accounts who are used to being blocked so they make like a dozen Twitter accounts to make sure their point is made. These people will use words like “Extreme Left Wing Blah Blah Blah” and “Obamalover.” These are unhinged rednecks with good credit. The ultimate white privilege. Best thing to do is ignore; don’t interact and block. Repeat. If you’re lucky, they’ll block you.
  1. The BeyHive & other fairy tales: If you know Twitter, you know The BeyHive and other fan groups that literally have no life. These are all probably 12-year-old girls in Kansas and Nebraska that really, really, really love Beyonce. No girl in their right mind would ever have the time to swarm on Twitter. So if you have something to say about any super popular celebrity, their fan base will attack you like wild hyenas. The result will leave you looking like an episode of MTV’s The Real World: Incredibly Embarrassed. The best thing to do is take a page from #6 and make another Twitter account to say what you want about Demi Lovato’s alter ego Poot.
  1. Shady lady: Every once in a while you will come across a public figure who is super ignorant and spiteful and will come for you. The worst thing about that is that those people usually have a group of angry followers (much less than a BeyHive), and they will try to educate you on whatever the fuck they think is right in their mindset. This will take a toll on you so stay away from The Franchesca Ramseys of the world.
  1. Depression confessions: If you’re one of those people who are always on the brink of EMO, consider yourself off-putting and uninviting. Twitter is like a movie theater; if you’re not showing a good movie, people will get up and leave. If you’re always mopey, depressed, and don’t make any fucking sense, then chances are people will block you for the sheer spite of it. There are millions of people to follow and learn from on Twitter. Some people just aren’t into your Tokyo Hotel songs.
  1. Automated messages & other conundrums that hurt: One thing people do but hate to get is automated messages. When you follow someone of Twitter, the hope is that they will follow back because A) You want to get to the highest number of followers and B) Because you want to get to the highest number of followers. It always sucks when they don’t follow back and then leave a DM saying, “Hi, thanks for the follow! Have you heard my one million and one single “Shake Your Hands & Cry?” It’s now available on iTunes and Music Bliss Country!! Lucky you! Thanks again! You’re loved.” If you’re that person, you may just get a block.
  1. Be a boss: If you are really good with Twitter and have a sense of humor or have a really good fan base, or all of the above, you have a free pass to say whatever the fuck you want without repercussions. That’s because you’ve made it in the social media world and all you need is a verified checkmark. You get Liked a lot, people love to RT you and you can get away with things like “Fuck Cable Ace Awards in the ass!” And people like Lena Dunham will be like, “Yaaaasss Queen!” So if you’re like, say, @LilPoundcake1, you can get away with almost anything and seldom get blocked. But even people like her get blocked too. You just can’t have your cashmere sweater and eat it too.


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