How to play properly and safely

Each individual has a different preference for play, and everyone should know how to play safely. 

Love + Sex Sex Education Dr. Evan Goldstein

This article was published on October 25th, 2018

In current times, it seems that we hear about a new sexual trend or preference with each new day.  Fetishes and toys have solidified their place in both the bedroom and out in the pop culture world, being covered by many mainstream publications and enjoyed by more and more people without the shame and secrecy that formerly came along with them. We are fortunate enough to live in a largely fluid and open-minded world, where most people feel confident exploring their sexual desires — both solo and with a partner (or two or three). Need more proof? The sex toy industry now has an estimated worldwide revenue of over $15 billion.

At Bespoke Surgical, this is something we can (literally) get behind. From foot fetishes to butt plugs, to vibrators and masturbators, we believe that sex trends, when experienced properly and safely, are wonderful and exhilarating. Toys and trends are a way to ‘sexplore’ either by yourself or with a partner and can be used as part of preparation, foreplay, or during sex; however certain precautions should be taken prior to use.

How to play properly and safely - Fleshjack dildo

Dildos are a great toy to begin your collection with.  A few pointers: The presence of balls on a dildo are a definite positive — they not only make your experience more realistic, but also from a medical perspective, this barrier prevents the loss of the item in the anal canal (a win-win). Look for a dildo with a suction cup, which allows for mobile and secure play. You must remember there are multiples facets that can enhance or limit your play with higher chances of local trauma and injury. Your pelvic angle, as it pertains to where you stick this dildo, may place its trajectory towards the front or the back of the anal canal, which may be painful on the prostate or the sacrum, respectively. So be sure to consider your height, pelvic angle, and where you stick this thing, and adjust where needed, allowing appropriate entry and centralized play.

How to play properly and safely - prostate massager

Prostate massagers are in increasingly high demand in the world of sex play, but can come with some risks.  The prostate is a very tricky and finicky little guy with a very narrow zone that makes all the difference between enjoyment and prostatic irritation, otherwise known as prostatitis. A good prostate massager will be lightweight, thin, and have both internal and external pressure points for maximal enjoyment. Just like the aforementioned dildo, the base should be wide enough that it won’t move into the anal canal inadvertently. Now, this product is meant for insertion and depends on the use of your pelvic musculature doing all the work. As you contract, it moves the toy anteriorly towards the prostate and then when relaxed, re-aligns the external portion to pressurize the perineum — all in the hopes of providing an amazing release when you’re ready. Some clients either do not have good enough control of the pelvic muscles to make this work or others use it incorrectly by eliciting movement of the device, causing more irritation and/or pain. And again, because of that narrow zone of enjoyment, we recommend prostate massagers for our more experienced players.

How to play properly and safely - glass butt plug

Moving on to training kits and butt plugs.  Let me be honest — I’m still searching for the best anal training kit. Many options have a rather bulbous “tip” and using this for someone’s initial dilation can be somewhat traumatic. If it looks like a door knob, it will feel like sticking a door knob in your ass. One needs a more cone-like or tapered toy that allows for gradual relaxation of the anal musculature. Ideally, your kit should feature three distinct sizes that increase in a subtle, yet noticeable way. However, it’s important to remember to not go down so far as to fully “swallow” the plug.  Look for a kit where the base goes directly to the handle (there’s no neck in between) so one cannot leave the dilator in fully for prolonged periods of time. This can cause swelling in the region, leading to hemorrhoids and/or tearing when trying to remove it.  Now that we’ve figured out the pros and cons of different types of butt plugs, I want to remind you: We each have three major muscles in this region and one needs to relax all three for complete entry. This can take time and some serious amount of lube. We recommend something like a gym routine, but with dilators instead of dumbbells. The best workout involves 8-12 reps per session. After a couple of weeks, one will see a noticeable difference.

Anal beads take participants to a different level, that’s for sure, and I totally get it. But. You knew there was a ‘butt’. They usually are quite long and can be difficult to navigate. With that said, with improper angulation they could even poke the rectum, leading to a traumatic injury. Also, of note, when one takes them out, it could cause tearing of the muscle since its a bumpy ride in or out. Lots of lube is necessary and make sure you have a good handle on these before you embark.

How to play properly and safely - BDSM strangling kinkWhen it comes to kink, erotic strangulation is not for everyone, but it certainly has its followers. By decreasing the flow of oxygen to the brain, the theory is that you will then increase overall sexual excitement, which will enhance the orgasm. This is fine for those who have experience in BDSM; however, things can go from pleasurable to fatal in an instant. I always recommend to my clients: safe spaces with safe acts. Please set boundaries before engaging and put in place a mutually understood hand gesture, safe words, or something else that’sunique to alert your partner(s) to stop. If one does not loosen the ligature after orgasm, sexual asphyxia will occur, and death may ensue.

One trend that has really caught my eye in 2018 is the emergence of teledildonics. These are toys that use an internet connection to let your partner control or experience tactile sensations from afar (whether that’s via a masturbator or a vibrator). Do you miss your partner because they’re away on a business trip or care to make that boring dinner party a little more exciting? Now you can — just make sure you have a strong WiFi connection, otherwise one of you will find yourself with a bad case of blue balls.

How to play properly and safely - Butt Plug

No matter the preference, sex toys can be an excellent way to express oneself sexually whether alone or with a partner.  And given the more liberal atmosphere around sex toys in today’s day and age, one should never be afraid to ask the necessary questions to prevent harm and optimize pleasure.  Always remember to do your proper research before purchasing and engaging, and keep in mind that communication is always key. Now, play away!


10 Myths About Gay Virginity

October 13th, 2021

Sean Kivi 0

Sex and Marijuana: Tips for a Mind-Blowing Experience

August 5th, 2021

Simon Elstad 1

Don't be Unprepared, Learn the Importance of Inclusive Sex Education

June 23rd, 2021

Brian Webb 0

Join the Conversation

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *