When death becomes him

If you’re dealing with the death of your partner, you don’t have to go at it alone.

HomoCulture Koelen Andrews

This article was published on February 11th, 2019

The only inevitability in life is change. Well, the other inevitable reality of the living is that someday, everyone one of us is going to die. When it comes time for your turn, will you be ready? Are you going to be able to handle it if a family member or parent dies? Let alone a significant other? When death becomes him, here is a guide to being able to deal when death comes knocking on your man’s door.

There aren’t a lot of guides written for gay couples, most in particularly any information when a partner passes away. The single best advice to remember is that life does indeed go in, whether you or your partner is alive or not. It might sound morbid, but sometimes the best way of letting go of your deceased partner is by letting them go emotionally, too. 

It’s ok to mourn, just be sure to give yourself a reality check of how long you black veil-it. Everyone needs time to grieve and process a loss. Adequate time should be taken to handle a death of any loved one. Anywhere from a year, to a few years, can be the length of passing to move on from a lover passing away. 

Find ways of letting out your angst and depression that are healthy versus toxic. Like the musical RENT: “forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” The death, especially if sudden, of a partner is the epitome of tragedy. You’re ok and normal if you feel left in a pit of despair. But try to deal with these negative feelings by punching pillows. Screaming at the top of your lungs. Getting yourself into therapy.

Think about obtaining a counsellor. Depression could consume you. The world would be a much better place if everyone had a third party to talk to. Sometimes the feelings of loss are so extreme that there really is no better person to turn to than a professional therapist. They can help you get through these dark times versus going at it alone. This period, no matter how grim it may seem, will pass, and an expert can help you heal the right way.

Bring some new life into your own. An item added to your household like a beautiful houseplant will give you something to care for and a new, small purpose without a lot of baggage or responsibility. But having something living around can help you visually see that the circle of life continues—with or without us.

Reinvest in you. The fucked-up thing is: now, you’re single again. It’s time to begin rebuilding your life as a lone entity. Take this time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Join a class. Learn yoga. Meditate. Begin a new workout routine. Set goals for yourself that you want to have come to fruition before you yourself leave this planet. Taking time to refocus on yourself will take your mind off the loss and give you a new, reinvented sense of purpose. 

Lastly, don’t forget to live your life. Fortunately, you’re still here and left to leave your mark on the world. Your partner would want you to accept the things, like his death, that you cannot change and move on from the loss of him. Your best revenge against death is to live the fullest life you can possibly lead. Let your partner’s passing be a constant reminder to you to never waste a single day again. 

When death becomes him
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