This article was published on December 18th, 2019
If you are single or in an open relationship, ‘tis the season for getting laid. You’ve only got days to rack up some notches on that bed post, so get to it! Ho Ho Ho, honey. It’s hoeing time. Put the “ass” in Christmas this season and perfect your holiday hookups.
Keep an open, festive mindset over the holidays. Don’t get hung up on the guy(s) you shag this XXXmas. It’s Christmas, for Christ’s sake! Get some nooky, be happy and gay, and feel blessed that sex is also a reason for the season. If they stick around to fill your stocking again, awesome! If they scram off to the North Pole, then let ‘em go. Be glad you got to be naughty and nice for Christmas.
Plan your sorted rendezvous. Don’t let family or friends take over the entire holiday. Plan your “time for yourself” and escape for a few hours to get some butt sex in. If you have to put pot in the fudge or spike their eggnog, make sure there are no pesky witnesses to your naughty elfing around! You’re allowed to suck on at least a few candy canes this year.
Be assertive, but not aggressive. Hottie under the mistletoe catches your eye? Walk up to him, give him the “hey bro, what’s up” head pop upwards, and then say hi. If he smiles back and is in for a pash sesh under the ‘toe, then fa la la…let’s all be jolly! Merry Kissmas, indeed. Just guarantee you have his consent, and then don’t be an agro dick about it if he isn’t interested. You can “thank you, next” him to yourself and move onto an even better Christmas present to unwrap.
Be prepared. It’s a Lion King song and a motto you should live by—or, at least, trick by. Be prepared! Pack your Christmas condoms. Down your daily PrEP like Santa down the chimney! Douche your life away so there won’t be any coal in your stocking. Ask about his status, both HIV and naughty vs nice. Plan an escape route back to your winter wonderland, in case things go South Pole on you. Basically, you should just know what you’re getting yourself into.
Communicate. It’s gonna be an O un-holy, silent night if the two of you haven’t said what you’re into prior to meeting. Scream, shout, carol sing….whatever Christmas miracle you deem necessary to get across your message of wanting to be treated like a jizz-frosted hoe-man. Spare yourself some blue jingle balls and the red nose by exchanging Christmas wish lists up front.
Don’t put all your candy canes in one stocking. There’s nothing that says you can’t have more than one miracle on 34th street before the new year.
Sexmas Christmas is the time of giving. And giving. And giving some more. And taking.
T’is the season of giving. Go out, have fun, and meet a toy soldier or two. Three wise men sound like a great Xmas present to yourself.
We wish you a merry hunting season, you Christmas nymph. Get yourself some hung stockings and delicious frosting. Enjoy the season, and have happy holidays hoeing.