Getting Over Ghosting

How to define and realign yourself to recover from an unresolved relationship

Love + Sex Relationship Advice Triston Brewer

This article was published on October 22nd, 2020

Picture it. You’re in relationship. Then, out of nowhere and just out of the blue, it is over with no warning signs whatsoever. Then it dawns on you that you have entered an area that many of us have fallen into and it burns all of just the same. A partner that decides to ghost you has decided that instead of being upfront and telling you to your face, their decision is a policy of no calls, no text messages, no ‘Dear John/Joan’ letters, no tweet, no DM…

You get the picture now? You’ve been ghosted. 
Welcome to the club. We’ve been expecting you. 

For the advanced technology that we enjoy now has come with its own singular set of new dilemmas that are part of everyday life it seems these days. It would seem that it would be much harder for someone to just completely disappear in this digital age. But somehow? Some way? Ghosters find a way. 

Photo by Olhar Angolano on Unsplash

The Ghosts vs. The Ghosted

Ugh! The petty of it all. The questions that mount in your head as you torment yourself internally…

WHY would someone disappear from my life without a trace?
WHY am I not deserving of an explanation?
Was it something I did or said?

No matter how many ways you attempt to answer these questions, the truth remains that you will never know why someone walked out of your life and ghosted you. The fuckery and phenomenon of ghosting involves research that includes a hodge-podge of attachment personalities and the reasons for their breakup strategies. Who really knows the hows and whys of what makes someone a ghoster. These are people that have been rejected by parents, people with trust issues, and are incapable of direct methods of ending relationships. These are just some of the types that ghost as a form of breaking up. 

But maybe there’s more.

Other studies have concluded – to a degree, that is – that those that ghost were often ghosted themselves. These people know what it feels like to have someone bail on them with no warning signs. Yet, they lack the empathy to act in a way so as not to relay this experience to someone else?

This is why ghosting is considered to be the pinnacle of fuckery. 

The Layers of Ghosters and Being Ghosted

Who the fuck are you going to call?! Ghosting isn’t just long-term commitments either as we all have relationships that can be categorized in a multitude of ways from friendships and fuckbuddies, co-workers and more. For a ghoster, it appears much easier for them to walk away as a quick and easy exit plan. The reasoning (if one would call it that) is there is less drama, no histrionics, no questions asked, and by far the most important – no need to justify behavior and no need to deal with the feelings of someone else. Of course ghosters benefit from avoiding a potentially embarrassing situation and any drama, but these are not the people that are improving their social skills or developing relationships skills for the future. 

If you are ghosted, you get no sense of closure compounded with uncertainty and insecurity. It’s jarring, it’s jilting, and it’s unjust. But life is not perfect, and when you finally realize the other person has ended the relationship, you are left to ponder without ever getting answers. 

How to Handle Being Ghosted

Sure, ghosting hurts and it’s a rejection crueller than most because you are left with no answers, no road map on how to proceed, and your emotions are likely to run the gamut as you attempt to sort them out on your own. If you are the type of person that suffers from low self-esteem, being ghosted will only likely bring them to the forefront of your mind. To add insult to injury, the one that ghosted you may end up falling back into your social media realm once they become visible again and then how do you move on? Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or tried and true advice that is going to make recovery any easier, so you just have to get on with that thing called life and remove the remnants of the ghosting from your life. 

Eventually, you will stop the self-torture of looking through old photos, saved texts, new social media postings, or anything else that will remind you of this person or their current whereabouts. The trick is to fight the urge to apply some Google Maps action on said ghoster and find them in a new cafe with a bat in your hand. Instead, try to find a new distraction and most importantly, know that this is very likely not to do with you, nor did you do anything wrong. It’s their shortcomings that are the reason for them breaking up with you and the sooner you come to this realization, the better. 

The Lessons Learned

Moving on from a ghosted relationship should be done as quickly as possible in order to protect your sense of self and maintain your dignity. Stay focused on what is important – your health, future happiness, and overall well-being. Life is about learning those lessons that will take you to the next level, and leaving a ghoster and elevating yourself is the ultimate victory after such a relationship. 

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