Top 5 Gay Dating Mistakes

The cardinal dating mistakes most gay men make and how to sidestep them.

Love + Sex Dating Simon Elstad

This article was published on September 22nd, 2021

Dating, in general, is hard. Gay dating? That’s a whole other story bedeviled with relationship-ending mistakes.

Unlike heterosexual dating, queer dating comes with myriad complexities and frustrations. Past horrible dating experiences have left most people perpetually scarred and closed off to affection.

We almost always expect things to go south; ultimately, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Others find it difficult to date because they are deep in the closet. And that’s alright. Each person has their journey to self-acceptance and coming out.

However, that should not stand in the way of finding the man of your dreams.

Getting to know him and possibly committing to a future relationship will be an intricate affair. Committing a few mistakes here and there could put your romantic whirlwind in jeopardy.

Photo by Glodi Miessi on Unsplash

We’ve singled out some of the common mistakes to avoid when playing the gay dating game:

1. Defining the relationship too fast

There’s a lot of excitement that comes with being in a relationship with a new partner. It is understandable. However, as thrilling as this infatuation stage may be, keep a cool head and avoid putting labels on the relationship.

You need to ease your way into it as you gauge whether you match as life partners.

Ideally, don’t discuss marriage and kids, just two dates in.

If you define the relationship too fast, you end up missing out on red flags and deal-breakers that could bring problems in the future.

Be patient and allow the communication to go naturally without any pressure.

2. Moving in together too soon

So y’all have dated for quite some time now and decided perhaps it’s time to move in together. How exciting! At last, you get to see your partner 24/7/365…or something like that. But, it’s not all romantic bliss.

There’s always a catch that comes with cohabiting.

Before sharing a home with your potential life partner, get to know them well. How are their household habits? Does he practice good body hygiene? Is his house tidy or messy? Worse still, does he slam doors? These habits, however minor, can cause rifts later in the relationship if neglected.  

Observe and gauge whether your habits are compatible; otherwise, your romantic bubble will burst pretty soon.

3. Talking about your ex-non stop

Heartbreaks are painful. It’s never easy overcoming one. It gets messy just overcoming one.

Sadly, it’s a necessary part of the human experience – a learning opportunity and a stepping stone to better future relationships.

Do not carry the baggage from your last relationship into a new one. Stop talking about your ex! No one wants to hear how romantic or “well-endowed” he was. Talking a lot about your exes could send the wrong message to potential partners and even turn them off.

4. Not being honest about your feelings

How many times have we avoided being upfront with our partners regarding how we genuinely feel about them? It could be in the small things they do that don’t sit well with you. But hey, you’d rather keep quiet out of fear of rejection or insults, which is the wrong move.

The idea that the other person will read your mind and know what you think about him is absurd.

Honesty, they say, is the best policy. Be candid and let your partner know if something is not working. After all, emotional honesty is the path towards a healthy and committed relationship.

5. Being too desperate

Nothing is annoying as someone who comes off as too clingy or needy, especially in the early stages of knowing each other.

Sure, you are excited about your new prospect, but there are boundaries to be respected as well.

How can you tell that you are over-affectionate? 

  • Keep texting him relentlessly and being over-eager to get a reply.
  • Being too available and attending to all his needs
  • Asking a lot of questions on what he was up to when you weren’t together.  

All these signs point to desperation and could become a turn-off early on. Confront this behavior by establishing boundaries and ensuring your partner respects them.

That way, you strike a balance between closeness and personal space.

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One thought on “Top 5 Gay Dating Mistakes

  1. Bill

    Awesome article and just what the doctor ordered, at least for me. Last January I met a great guy at church. This is someone I’ve had my eye on for a while although I never approached him. Anyway last January 24th after Mass, I went up to him and said ” I just wanted to tell you,” you’ve got an awesome personality” ( he gave the reading) his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and stuck out his hand and said his name was ‘Dan’. I acquiesced and said my name’s Bill, it’s great meeting you and we’ll see each other next Sunday hopefully. I didn’t want to be too forward and I thought this guy is AWESOME,, you’re not going to let this fall by the side and do nothing as you’ve done in the past and you’re back to square one. All week I thought about him and how I was going to move this forward. I’m shy and past experiences have been disastrous in trying to meet other gay men. Next Sunday, I went up to him and chatted him up and asked how his week went. He them told me he’s in law school. I then got bold and said ” would you be up to getting a cup of coffee or drink sometime”, we can talk and see where this is going” he said sure then i got out my pen and a piece of paper and we exchanged phone numbers. step one i thought. I then called him a few days later just to say high and we talked for a good 15 minutes, wow, how refreshing, someone interesting and non pretentious. I live in San Francisco, the ‘gay mecca’ that at one time had some of the friendliest and easy to talk to gay men yet over the years many of these men have become some of the rudest , nastiest and most arrogant gay men who seem to think the world revolves around them and if God forbid you try talking to them and if you aren’t their ‘type’ they are rude disrespectful and give attitude, hey been there and done that, no thanks. Anyway we got together a few times after church ( we lived about one block from each other) and wee walked and talked, I let him do moist of the talking and it turns out we have a few things in common. His father’s an attorney and he’s going to law school. I realize law school’s a big commitment and requires a lot of studying yet I’d like to get together ( everyone needs a break occasionally) but don’t want to come off as needy or desperate. I’ve been single for a long time, recently moved into a new apartment and have told him he’s invited over for dinner when I get settled in. Several weeks ago I invited him to a museum exhibit of objects from Pompeii, after I found out he loves things like this. ( this is one of the things we’ve in common, we’re interested in antiquities, the Romans and archaeology) we had a great time and while waiting for our reservation to see the exhibit, we sat in my car and talked and he shared some very personal things as well as I. We haven’t been intimate yet and that’s ok. Too often guys have sex before it’s the right time and rush things yet we’ve known each other for 8 months and I ‘d like to see where this is going. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that’s saying a lot. in the past I ‘d met men who I thought this of and they ended up being a huge disappointment. I think my problem: not knowing the difference between being assertive enough and overkill, so to speak. He’s given me signs of being interested yet i don’t know whet the next step should be as I don’t want to lose him. Guys like him who’re good looking without being ‘full of themselves’, real, non pretentious with no attitude and open are few and far between, to say the least Any suggestions on how to proceed? I’m sure I’m not the only one here who’s gone through this or is going through this currently. it would help lots of us getting any constructive thoughts on this and if those thoughts or suggestions could be posted, it’d be great help