How to be the top your bottom wants you to be

So you want to fuck me, huh? Do you know how? Of course, you say, but let me ask again, do you really? Any bottom’s dream is to find a […]

Love + Sex Sex Education Dr. Evan Goldstein

This article was published on February 22nd, 2018

So you want to fuck me, huh? Do you know how? Of course, you say, but let me ask again, do you really? Any bottom’s dream is to find a top that completely understands the ins and outs (pun intended), of the proper mechanics and the science behind bottoming. Being on the receiving end is not as easy as it looks and, boys, let me tell you—being the truest of tops is no walk in the park either. Remember: it’s not hard to learn to ski, but it is hard to learn to ski well. So, now that you’re questioning how much of a total top you truly are, I’m here to teach you how to hone in on your topping prowess.

The scenario plays out over and over again, with the poor bottom coming to see me at Bespoke Surgical, torn to pieces and diagnosed with an anal cut, otherwise known as a fissure. There are multiple causes for this unwanted rip, and while some fall on the bottom, you’d be surprised how frequently either the top didn’t use enough lube for appropriate entry or the top just shoved it in and pounded away like they see in their favorite porn. Regardless of the circumstances, let’s break down the ways in which we all can achieve maximal pleasure with minimal to no damage at all.

How to be the top your bottom wants you to be

Understand the Bottom

I honestly believe the only way to truly know what the bottom experiences, all for your sole pleasure, is to bend over yourselves. Let someone just ram it in without using any of the below tactics and see what the consequences really are. But in all honesty, no, we don’t want that at all. We just want a thorough understanding to implement corrective actions for the good of the community. Keep reading, my Lone Ranger.


Just like a big feast, it’s always good to start with an appetizer before the main course. And what better first course than a nice salad to toss? I get it—rimming isn’t for everyone, especially those special *total tops* who just want to be serviced and then fuck or bottoms who simply want your cock and nothing else. However, it’s amazing how much a little tongue action or external stimulation, skin-to-skin touching or your cock grazing the hole, can help calm the bottom’s mind and also warm him up to relax the sphincters. There is an actual science to being a good top, so let’s continue…

Lubrication (not just your cock, please!)

Lube is a complete necessity and one of the main ways to ensure pleasurable anal sex all in the name of preventing injury. Unlike the vagina (not our cup of tea, I know), the external anal skin and the walls of the anus are relatively thin with these anal canal cells unable to self-lubricate. So without the proper lubricity, cuts and tears (anal fissures) and irritated dilated veins (hemorrhoids) are more likely to happen, which, in turn, increase everyone’s risk of contracting an STD.

Most tops just slap some lube on the cock and stick it in. The key is not only lots of lube on the anal opening, but also the entire shaft. A lube shooter is also great for the bottom because it places a sufficient amount of lube internally to truly lubricate the entire anal canal prior to entry.

How to be the top your bottom wants you to beUnderstand Your Anatomy 

Once it’s all ready, it is essential to have a good understanding of the anatomy. There are three main muscles of the anus that need relaxation. Beyond the foreplay and adequate wetness, enter with the bottom having more control than you would initially imagine – at least until full relaxation and full penetration has been successful. Once you encounter resistance (internally), that’s the first set of muscles. Hit that resistance and just hang out there. Don’t be over zealous. Allow for this to relax, which can take about 3-5 seconds. Pull out, re-lubricate, and do it again. Slow and steady up to the second muscle.

Sometimes it takes a few times of the above at each musculature step off. If it doesn’t go, please do not force it. Take it out and try again. It may take 4-8 times to pass the third muscle and finally be able to completely enter. Certain positions are better initially, like the bottom sitting on you. But take into consideration the angle of your cock. If it’s pointing down versus up or to the side, it may mean different positions are more optimal. For instance, if it’s doggy style and your cock points down when hard, you may be pounding on the prostate of the bottom. This can be quite painful and indeed cause both prostatitis and blue balls.

So take into account all, even the discrepancies in height that may alter you from entering the asshole’s true center—sometimes slamming the sidewalls is just not pleasurable. If your cock is placed correctly, and complete acceptance has been achieved, the sky is the limit and you can prove you are top worthy.

Give Up Control

Even though plenty of tops like to be more in control, give the bottom the upper hand in the beginning of entry, at least until the kinks have all been worked out. As the top, it’s critical to understand the appropriate mechanics and relaxation stages of the bottom, as well as proper pelvic placement. There’s no need to rush. As eager as you may be, your haste may end up backfiring.

Two other equally important tips: good communication and (at least at first) being more submissive than you anticipated. Sure, the goal may be to dominate the bottom, which we will discuss next, but the first step is to get the bottom into a mental and physical state of total relaxation. As we mentioned before, typically this is best achieved with the bottom on top, which allows them to control how deep and fast you’re penetrating him. However, you must listen to the bottom through both verbal and physical cues and once he’s comfortable, and if you both want to change things up, now you can go for it.

How to be the top your bottom wants you to be

Ready, Sit, Go!

When it comes to game time, both parties need to step up to the plate. It’s a symbiotic experience that when utilizing the above tactics, can allow for tantalizing emotional and physical orgasms. Once the flow and rhythm have been synchronized, do feel free, clearly consensually, to pick up the pace or experiment with complicated positioning. There is no such thing as too freaky, but the thorough understanding of perfecting topping allows for what’s to follow to be fruitful, yet safe and risk free. So do you feel like going balls to the wall?  Then, rock on!

Question and Answer

Lastly, just like in any professional sport, most teams have a recap on the prior event, all in the name of improvement and perfection. This should not be any different in a relationship that is trying to achieve sexual euphoria. The good, the bad, and the ugly should not be taken personally.  These all allow for a thoughtful approach to what not only feels appropriate, but also what just doesn’t feel right at all. The partners who walk into my office with successful relationships have a complete understanding of open and honest communication. Without it, one’s potential can be truly stifled.

Oh, the top. May you now go forth and conquer! No forget that… Maybe don’t conquer. A little more like Mary!


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